A years' difference

It is impossible for Mother's Day not to bring us quiet reflections, especially when it is a momma's first one.

Three years ago today, I was hopeful, excited, although slight frustration was setting in. We were ready to be parents. We'd been "trying" since the beginning of the year, but my body wasn't cooperating. But I just knew that it would be soon - and that by Mothers' Day next year, we'd be holding our little one. There was much to look forward to!

Two years ago today, I was elated. We'd suffered a miscarriage in the fall, but after a couple months we were back on track with fertility treatments. After a couple of failed IUIs, I tested positive on a home pregnancy test on Mothers' Day morning! What could be more perfect timing? We kept quiet about our news, and I hosted a Mothers' Day luau for the extended family and gave all the moms leis to wear. Little did they know, when they all left, I wore my own lei for the rest of the day. We couldn't wait to meet our little one! We didn't know then the pregnancy would follow the sad path of the first one, lasting just 8 weeks.

Last year, I was a month out from my third miscarriage, still without a child in my arms. As we left church, all the moms were given roses. I walked out of the service, trying to look straight ahead and be invisible, but sure enough, a sweet, little girl extended a rose to me. I accepted it, wiping back tears, in honor of my three angels in Heaven. In my heart I was a mom, but not in the conventional way. My own mom, walking behind me, took her rose as well, watching me with worry, and put her arm around me as we walked to the car. I left my rose at her house, and later that night, I received an email from her. She reflected about the physical look of each of our roses. The one she was handed was fully open and very much in bloom. The one I was given was still tightly wound, just starting to open and not yet fully formed. This was my motherhood, on the brim, still blooming, still much beauty to come. I wanted to believe it, but it just hurt. She was, of course, so right.

Today, we left the church service and again the sweet children were handing out roses to the moms. As I approached the kids, on my way to the nursery to pick up my girl, I could see the little boy sizing me up, hesitating a little to determine if I was an appropriate rose-candidate. I smiled big at him and held out my hand. Please and thank you, I want that rose!!!

I'm so thankful to be a daughter to my amazing mom, who is the most thoughtful, caring, incredible woman, who manages to look out for and do thoughtful things for everyone around her, be a constant prayer warrior and woman of faith, juggle a very demanding job, a busy and fun social life and look super stylish all the while making it all look super easy. She's always been the biggest supporter in my corner, but I am definitely her biggest fan and hope I can be just like her -- when I grow up! ;-)

I'm so thankful to have several other wonderful mother-figures in my life, as well, including a fantastic stepmother, who has been a strong, positive influence on my life for 17 years and has helped shape me into the woman I am. She inherited myself and my brother simply by loving our dad, but never made us feel anything other than a priority and gift in her life. I also have a loving and caring mother-in-law, who has welcomed me into her family and is constantly pulling for and praying for her son, daughter-in-law and first granddaughter!

I'm so thankful to be a mom to my perfect, little miracle. Holding her, caring for her, loving her is everything I ever dreamed being a mom would be plus so much more. It is the most important job and I want so badly to do it right, to let her know how much she is loved by her parents and by her Heavenly Father. May she never remember a time she did not intimately know that love.

The three Mothers' Days prior to this were hard days for me, but today is filled with joy. It makes my heart hurt knowing today was hard for many who are still waiting the most difficult wait for much-wanted motherhood. But know, feel assured, the time will come and it will be worth the wait.